Stuck on the reasons your blog is not seeing the success you had hoped for? Then you need to up your game. The ultimate guide to being the most perfect blogger there ever was in the history of blogging, ever.
Publish a blog post every hour
In the blogging world, content is king. You need to flood the internet with your blog posts until the internet is broken. Of course each post needs to be 1500-3000 words with no keyword padding and no repetition to bulk out the content and no repetition to bulk out the content.
Share your blog posts every 43 seconds
You can never promote yourself too much. Don’t let the fear that you might annoy people put you off. Don’t leave room for anyone else in the twitter feed. Flood every known hashtag you know that is related to blogging.
Comment on every blog post that has ever been published in the history of blogging
You need to drop ya link like candy yo! Every blog post in existence must include a back link to your blog. You must be everywhere. Post useful comments like “Cool post sis/bro!” or copy and paste the same generic comment on every single post to save time. Don’t forget to call out those who don’t approve your comments on social.
Vaca—nay!
There ain’t no break from blogging. No holiday. No vacation and certainly no travelling. You must be at that laptop with a reliable internet connection at all times.
Start a Podcast
Why not read your blog posts aloud in a podcast? Get your voice out there and into the ears of your readers. Podcast every day until the world can take no more of your voice.
Become a Vlogger too
Not content on conquering the blogging world? You’ve got your voice out there on your podcast and now it’s time to get your face out there. You must conquer the world of vlogging too. Break your video into a million frames, who needs continuous video when you can edit the shit out of it.
Say YES! to every post request
Exposure to help pay your rent from a brand with just 356 bot followers? YES!
10% discount on butt hole diamonds in return for a 3000 word blog post? YES!
A copy and paste job about how great the product is despite it ruining your entire life? YES!
Never say no to a post request. Sure you might be buying and writing about items you will never use but it’s at a discount. Sure you are doing it for free for exposure for a brand that one day maybe someone would have heard of, right? Who needs opinions anyways when the PR team can write 75% of the post for you and save you the work.
Don’t post anything unique
Yeah just do what everyone else is doing. Don’t come up with your own ideas, ain’t nobody got time for that. Don’t copy and paste but change enough words to make it look like you wrote it. Don’t forget to replicate their spelling errors for the most part.
Ditch Your Real World Social Life
Ditch friends, ditch family and who needs a love life anyways? If you are forced or physically dragged to a wedding, Christmas dinner or other social occasion take your laptop and charger and insist a place setting is set for it.
If this is a kidnap type situation and a laptop is unable to be taken spend the time nose into your phone. Answer every question with “Uh huh” to avoid having to listen including when Auntie Brenda suggests you dance with the closest “eligible bachelor” with gingivitis.
Speak to every blogger on every social platform
You must network and engage with every blogger on every social network and do so all day every day. When they block you, well that’s their issue. You just want to the be their friend, they are selfish for having their own life. You can harass talk to other bloggers during blogger chats, find a list here.
Schedule 2 hours of Sleep
Ensure you get your daily 2 hours of sleep. Schedule this around your 20 hours of blogging and 2 hours for feeding yourself, bathing and chores. Caffeine will take care of the tiredness you will experience, ensure an intake of at least 35 cups of coffee a day. Or even better learn how to sleep type and then you are set for even more blogging time.
Abandon all other hobbies
Blogging is your hobby now. Say no to outdoor pursuits. Sports? Well that is a no. Baking? Nope no time for that. You can’t blog in a canoe now either, can you?
Take your Vitamin D pill
There isn’t time for natural sunlight when you are the perfect blogger. Take your vitamin D pill to ensure that you don’t get rickets. If by chance you do have a window position yourself as near to it as possible and keep the curtains open.
Photograph Everything You Ever Come Across
Leaving the house is a rare occurrence but find yourself walking down the street and see an artistically crunched can or crisp packet? Photograph that shit! Abandoned trainer at the side of the road? Photograph that shit. Who knows when you will need unique images for a blog post or need some rustic images for Instagram.
But in all seriousness…
There is no such thing as the perfect blogger.
Do it your own way, there is no right or wrong way.
We all have lives and don’t have every second of the day to blog.
Look after yourself. don’t make yourself ill trying to do everything.
Be you and people will come.
